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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Awake Again

So we all went to bed around 9:30. Yeah,  9:30. Yesterday was kind of a day, not just mine, all of ours. We were tired, stressed,  the weight of the world was on our shoulders and all that.  Not necessarily the girls per say,  at least the weight of the world and all, but the tired thing was all around.

So when the girls got ready for bed so did we. We all fell asleep and then around midnight I woke back up. It was funny really,  I woke up pretty refreshed for 2 and 1/2 hours of sleep.  I then of course couldn't go back to sleep so I ended up on the couch eating dry Lucky Charms, my breathe right strip still on (I've ran Dennis out of bed most of the week with snoring) watching Felicity on Hulu.

I never really watched the show when it was on in...mid nineties?  Early 2000? I didn't watch it when I should have had more in common with the characters.  I have to say though, I really like it. The melancholy dramatics of the first years of a liberal arts college during the age of alternative rock.  Totally me. The thing I like best is, I think, the sense of discovery. Everything new, all the possibilities. It was refreshing,  rejuvenating in a way.

The really strange part of watching it at this age is that I can identify with the Felicity character as well as her parents.  It makes me remember that the me that I had this notion I "was" is actually "still" me, that I'm essentially the same underneath all the extra years and responsibilities and worries of adulthood. 

What does all that mean?  I don't know really.  It just made me feel this kind of hopeful happiness and kinda like the weight of the world might just lighten a little.  Like maybe being a bit of the melancholy, alternative rock loving, slightly flakey,  artsy dreamer of my youth wouldn't tilt my universe of all the things I'm supposed to be doing.  And maybe stepping off the path of all the things that I thought were already long ago determined wouldn't mean I'm shirking all my duties and leading my daughters down a road of lifelong wandering.

All that from a forty minute show and corn syrup sweetened stars, hearts and moons. Yeah a little too deep for TV in the dark. All the same I think I needed the reminder.  That said I really do need to go back to bed,  yeah I'm typing this at 1 a.m. So that's what I'm going to do,  I'll leave you with the image of a bit of that artsy person I was and am. This is the gourd I'm carving that keeps calling to me from its window, just like the me that was and is. 

Keep On Keeping On


Keep On Keeping On

I need a little breathing room, 

I need a little space. 

I need a moment to remember

that I'm still me, not just part of the human race.

I need a little quiet,

a time to be free, 

some time to walk the hillsides,

lest I forget to see. 

There's a peaceful world around me, 

there's stillness to be found, 

even if my head is spinning

my feet are still planted, on this piece of ground. 

I know my poetry is simple,

my words sing song like a child

but I write them all the same

to keep from feeling mild.

I need these pauses of autonomy, 

if only a few a day, 

for if I don't re center I tend to lose my way.

I don't always understand it,

it isn't always sane, people don't always do what's right, and it can be a drain.

I don't always understand it,

it isn't always sane, 

people don't always do what's right, and it can be a drain.

There's beauty all around me though,

there's happiness to see,

I'll just keep on keeping on, 

I'll just keep on being me.



Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Tired Tuesday

Not enough time in the day to get everything done.  It's Tuesday and it feels like Monday again.  Not sure what the answer is to time management.  My iron levels are low, I know.  I tend to lean to the anemic side so I get run down fast.

It's a vicious cycle.  I don't feel good.  Don't feel like doing much beyond the basics because I'm tired. Then I get behind on stuff so I'm rushing to get stuff done, that leaves me more worn out.  Maybe I need some sort of vitamin shot. Either way it's Tuesday and I'm tired.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Name That Bean

So I learned two new things yesterday:
1. You can actually get motion sickness on a zero turn mower.
2. Soy bean pods are fuzzy...
And I guess a third thing really.
3. It takes FOREVER to shell soy beans/edamame.

Dennis is particular about the yard. Or rather his flower beds and trees. It's taken him almost three years to let help out with the mowing for fear that I would knick a tree or hit a plant.  Yesterday was the first day I'd ridden/mowed with the zero turn mower. I didn't do too bad, his words lol! I did end up with motion sickness though. Much faster ride than a regular mower.

Dennis picked some of the soy beans yesterday too and to my surprise the pods are fuzzy.  They are also slow going to shell. We got through like half a pan in almost 2 hours and that was with me, him and even Tori (a little bit) helping out. I think these are one of those things that are probably worth just buying if you want them. Granted one row ought to do us for a year.  It's just that it may take as long to shell them!

So, it's Monday again.  Beyond motion sickness I was left battling a lot of pollen too. I'm starting the new week with some pretty bad allergies. I think Dennis is just as worse for the wear ad I am though, I seem to have snored all night. The morning is much cooler today though.  Hopefully it will help me breath. Almost the end of August.  Also almost time to go. Have a great Monday.  Here's to a new week and fuzzy beans!

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Sunday Haiku

Homemade bread is good.
Butter and bread is better.
Coffee and bread ' s great!

Butter, bread, coffee.
I'm starting a new platform.
Vote for homemade bread!

Saturday, August 20, 2016


Driving home last night I had such an odd quiet feeling of happy contentment.  We were coming back from having dinner out for my Mommas,  yes I call her Momma,  63rd birthday.  It wasn't too horribly late but Dennis, the girls and I were a little on the tired side from all the rushing this week and from running straight from the work and school day that ended at 5 to make a 6 p.m. dinner time.

We were tired but not grumpy like we might have been.  I was driving for once though and for me that can make the world of difference in the day and my mood.  I often write in my head while I drive. I know it might seem odd to some but I sincerely have about three ongoing story lines in my subconscious that I've been trying to flesh out for several years now.  Driving affords me the opportunity to be in the mindset to do that.

Ever heard of a fugue state? Websters Dictionary defines it as:  a disturbed state of consciousness in which the one affected seems to perform acts in full awareness but upon recovery cannot recollect the acts performed.

Now obviously while driving I'm not in a "disturbed state of conciousness that I can't recollect." For me though I find it a very relaxing and mind clearing task.  I know others who feel similarly about other mundane tasks. Best as I can explain I think basically it can happen when you are in the process of doing some routine action, like driving,  the dishes,  mowing maybe.  Your whole body is actively involved in the doing of this thing that you, for the most part,  could do in your sleep and it's like for those moments your body remembers the habit of the action (never underestimate the power of habit) and your brain is sort of on a mini vacation. At least that's how I'd describe it.  Again,  I say I'm not completely in lala land, I focus on the road,  I'm still interacting with the world and those in the vehicle with me, but in the quiet moments between music playing and the chatter of those with me I can float off a bit into a world of my own creation. Neverland.

Last night was like that. It was nearing almost nine and we were listening and singing along to the songs on the radio and one in particular came on that perhaps best fit the feeling I have when driving like this better than any other ever could,  "Lost Boy" by Ruth B. Click on the blue words to listen:
Lost Boy

We all, even the girls,  were quiet. We drove into the first blush of sunset as the sky shaded over from pink to periwinkle and deep navy at the very edges where it blended into the black velvet of silhouetted trees. It was only just a three to four minute song but it left me such a deep sense of peace.

As we drove onward home and other songs and the voices of the ones I love most filled the air around me I thought again about the coming of fall, we commented on how the days were growing shorter as we speed past the years longest day. 

Despite all the worries of the week and rush that never seems to slow,  for that span of time and even now the morning after,  I feel hopeful and look forward to the cool slowness of fall. Looking forward.  Not dreading or trying to make it through.  It's been a long while since I've felt that way about the coming of what will eventually be winter.

I wish I could have captured a picture of the sunset we drove into but I think that might have ruined the peace of it some how. I'll include another sunset but the one from last night will have to remain inside my mind. In Neverland I suppose.

Good Saturday morning everyone.  I hope you each enjoy your own moment of flight to Neverland soon.

Friday, August 19, 2016

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front...

Dennis has had to get the girls every night this week. Monday was my board meeting,  Tuesday I closed at 7 to cover being short staffed, Wednesday I had to stay late to finish up interviews,  last night was late because of presenting my budget and tax rate to fiscal court and because we're starting up a new outreach program out in the county once a month.

Tori also had two afternoon physical therapy appointments and Dennis also had a night program himself.  Tuesday was really interesting with me picking up Gabs,  Dennis getting Tori,  then coming to get Gabs at the library and taking Tori back to physical therapy and then on to work with him because they could wait there until his program wrapped up.  It's been a pretty crazy week.

I've been getting home most days for us to try and juggle homework,  baths, supper and loose teeth. That's been an underlying theme. Both girls are late in losing teeth it seems.  Both have, or I suppose now I should say, had, loose teeth.

I got home from doing an evening family program a little after 6:30 to find Tori had already lost a tooth and Gabs had two barely hanging on. We spent the better part of the night trying to convince her that we needed to get them out, they really were barely in there.

We tried the,  "Tori let your Dad help, why don't you let him help you too? You're a big girl right? " To which she responded, "Tori is more sofisticasted than me." Yes I spelled that the way it was said with a heavily affected lisp due to the teeth issue. 

Finally around 9, after letting me help a little,  Dennis help a little and much dramatics, she pulled them both at once and now looks like a little old toothless lady. She thinks it's great that she often spits when she speaks. Tori seems no worse for the wear.  Her tooth gap is hidden on the side and she's much too, "sofisticasted" to worry much about it.

So now it's Friday.  One more work day for me, Dennis still has tomorrow too and we have a family thing tonight.  My whole notion of going to the fair with him has passed.  The girls and I are going to hopefully sleep late and play catch up on the insanity that the order and cleanliness of the house has taken on. Here's to the weekend,  probably going to be eating a lot of soup, or maybe scrambled eggs around here because of all those lost teeth!