Follow This Link For A Smile

While I'm unable to write this morning, due to little sleep and a need for coffee winning out over time to sit and peck out my thoughts, please follow this link to our Facebook feed where you'll find posted a video that will truly help start your day out with a smile! I will merely say, "BACON!"


https://www.facebook.com/CovertChickenFarm/?ref=hl

Where To Begin

Have you ever had a day that you simply didn't know where to begin?  Up on time despite procrastinating with the alarm clock. I know it's a short week but it still seems like a day that will lay forever before me. Lots of things to do,  people to talk to,  situations to amend.  I know everything I have to do but my body doesn't seem to want to move.

I think yesterday I was in pre revolt against Monday interaction with the world.  I wasn't the greatest person to be around.  I knew it.  I felt a little like I was on the outside looking in at me. I saw my bad mood but just couldn't bring myself to snap out of it.  If all the world is a stage then I wasn't a very good actor.

It was funny but the whole day seemed weird.  I had to run to the store late yesterday afternoon and it seemed like the whole town was in hiding.  Maybe it was the rain,  or maybe it was people were tired from the holiday weekend.  It seemed subdued though.  Even the store, whose parking lot was full, still seemed quiet. Maybe it was just me.

I don't often go alone to the store.  With my mood I think it was good I did. I'm told I took a little too long, at least in the eyes of one child.  In reality,  minus the twelve minutes to the store and twelve back I was only there about 35-40 minutes.  Time drags for children though so I suppose that seems like forever.

As parents I don't think anyone gets much alone time.  That's if you work outside the house or stay home. Then if you do, at least for me,  I always feel a little guilty for not being there with the kids or like I'm shirking my duties when I know Dennis doesn't have any free time either. All the same I think I needed the extra ten minutes I took outside getting the stuff on my list,  looking at Christmas clearance and fitness magazines,  deciding I didn't need either.  We already have too much candy, in fact it's the candy that has me needing the magazines.  I think if I forgo the one I won't need the other so much.  Not to mention I don't need the added clutter.

My brain works in these crazy circles of rationalizations.  No wonder I'm still tired today and not wanting to move.  But alas I must.  I have yet to figure out how to rationalize just staying on the couch all day.  So, come on body,  come on brain,  time to make the doughnuts. Happy Monday.

Brain Break

I don't seem to have much in my head today.  At least not much more than before.  Got to make pies for today's lunchtime last Christmas meal of the season.  So there's that.

Otherwise I just keep thinking that I need a brain break.  I want like a week to go walk along a beach in the heat with the sun beaming down to bake any worries out of my head.  The crazy thing is that I'm not even particularly worried about anything.  I guess I got a few days off to shirk the real world and I just want to stay in that state of mind.

I read an Anne Tyler book that was a little something like that once.  Grown woman on vacation with her family takes off down the beach and just keeps on walking. She eventually comes back but it's months later.  Don't get me wrong.  I have no desire to walk away.  I want my family right there beside me.  I think I just relish the idea of being able to have the luxury of "not having to do things". No responsibilities or bills. I could up and decide to take up scooping ice cream for a living and writing and art and everything would be just fine.  We could live on a little farm near the beach,  within walking distance of my ice cream shop job and money and time would grow on trees so we'd have plenty of everything to spare and not a care in the world.

See what happens when I get a long weekend off filled with too much sugar.  It might not be cold but maybe I'm just missing the sunshine.  We've joked before that we could be Amish if it weren't for the whole clothes and no electricity thing. I like light and don't care for dresses.  It's the slower pace that appeals. Again time.  Sigh.

Well those pies aren't going to make themselves.  Better get baking.  Till tomorrow when it's back to paperwork,  drainage issues,  building maintenance and remembering that we need more than pj's to wear in the real world.  Just so you know though I am really running my toes through sun heated sand right now...you just can't see me on my brain break lol.

Late to bed last night and late to rise today.  The family is still sleeping and I'm still too tired or lazy this morning to even make coffee.  Gasp!  I know,  but I have a diet coke and leftover Christmas cookies instead.

One more family gathering for Christmas on Sunday left.  Then the season of birthdays begins right before the New Year. One the end of December,  three in January,  three in February,  one in March,  three in April I think,  combining both Dennis and my sides of the family.

Pie baking will shift to cake making. Gabs will be eight and Tori eleven. So cliche but time it does fly.  Tori has always been a teenager trapped in a kids body.  Her loads of Christmas makeup gifts and clothes make a sharp comparison to Gabby ' s Legos,  dolls and toys.  Spinning wheel,  spinning wheel...I really wish you'd slow down.  I really can't help but wonder if other countries,  societies,  are the same.  I see documentaries and watch international house hunters. They sure do portray it as a slower pace.  Who's to say who's right?  I have no desire to move but daily afternoon naps and lots more vacation doesn't sound too bad. 

Still thinking about the New Year.  Not sure if/what I will resolve.  But I do feel differently somehow.  Nothing really short term in my head.  I feel a slight shift inside me that might be the tipping point of a whole new view of the world or maybe just of my life.  I have this better sense at least of what I do and don't want.  Of what I will and won't give up just to keep up with the Jones ' s.  I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going but I have a rosyier outlook on the journey though.

Merry Christmas Morning 2nd Take

Awake now for the second time this Christmas morning.  The first time was at 2:30 a.m. when Gabs tried to convince us that it was time to open presents because Santa had came.  I explained that it simply wasn't going to happen at 2:30 a.m. She then proceeded to make enough racket to wake up Tori who began to cough and clear her throat until Dennis was awake too. After a drink for everyone,  some Tylenol for Gabs who said her legs were hurting again (growing pains) they finally fell back asleep.

Now it's 7:15 a.m. and I was jarred out of bed by lightening,  thunder and rain. Must say that I never recall ever seeing this type of weather on Christmas.

So it's Christmas morning and all through the house the only thing stirring is myself and thank goodness no mouse. The stocking are hung on the wall with 3 m hooks, if I weren't still so sleepy I might be reading one of my books.  The rain is pouring now, there's thunder all around but the rest of my family isn't making a sound.  So with that in mind I think I'll crawl back in bed and let visions of happy little girls dance in my head.  For Christmas morning is here and soon they'll re - awake and there will be presents to open and pictures to take.  For time it keeps flying,  the days pass on by, I should take every moment to slow down and enjoy the days of "Momma why?" So I'm back off to bed,  back down the hall I will creep, good Christmas morning to you all!   Now I'm going back to sleep...at least for a few minutes.

Present For Myself

I am realizing now that I'm my own worst enemy,  my own brain fighting myself and never truly allowing myself to be in the moment.  I am forever worried about what hasn't been done,  what needs to be done,  what I'm forgetting to do.  In the meantime I don't let myself and sometimes even those around me enjoy what we are doing right then.  So this year I'm going to try and give myself a Christmas present.  I'm going to allow myself to be present. 

The world won't end if the house isn't pristine on Christmas morning.  I shouldn't feel any less joy or feel any worse about myself if I don't complete everything on my to do list.  I am here. I have a wonderful husband, daughters, family and am blessed with so much more than most.  Begrudging myself the happiness in that knowledge isn't what I need to make sure the world,  my world, turns at the proper tilt.

It's tiresome telling yourself you aren't enough and haven't done enough.  So I will do what I can and I'm going to take the time to enjoy what I am and the blessings I have around me.

Good morning Monday.  

Working Weekend

Heading to work in a bit.  9 to 3 then I'm off Sunday.  Then work Monday and Tuesday and then off Wed. through next Sunday.  I have a staff lunch to cook for Tuesday but I actually don't mind that. Got cookies to make too. We're having a cookie swap Tuesday as well.

Lots of presents to wrap still. I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that it's already Christmas. Sorry today I don't seem to have much in my head but to-do lists and grocery lists. I really want to get stuff done ahead of time so that come Wednesday,  Christmas Eve Eve I can just have fun with Dennis and the girls. Plus how great would it be do have Christmas and then have like two whole days with nothing that needs to be done or rushed through to get ready for the next week.

Dear Santa,  All I want for Christmas is a clean house,  all the laundry caught up,  no plans,  nobody sick or in a hurry to get somewhere.  I just want to be home,  warm and happy and relaxed with my family and no worries about the state of the world.  So I guess world peace,  an end to hunger, poverty,  violence,  insanity, family turmoil and all that will have to be wrapped up in that request too. I would also like a snowy day wrapped up in blankets with a good book or movie and Dennis and the girls to share it with.  Maybe time for cocoa and leisurely cookie decorating.

Okay rush, rush I must.  Time to get going.  Happy Saturday all. What do you want for Christmas?  Selfishly speaking?  No holds barred? Answer in the comments section below.

Spaghetti After Midnight

So it's 12:39 a.m. and I'm sitting on the couch eating leftover spaghetti by the glow of the t.v., listening for the dryer to stop. I'm tired but a few minutes after midnight I got hungry so here I am.

We got home late from Grannies Christmas dinner and I still needed to bake cookies for Tori, brownies for the school staff, wrap a few gifts for teachers and wash clothes because my children can't wear pajamas again,  pajama day was yesterday for them.  I must say it definitely made life easier especially in light of us over sleeping.  Wonder if they would consider implementing a weekly pajama day at school?  Yeah probably not.

There's a cheesy romance on abc family 25 days of Christmas. I must admit that I really like the 25 days of Christmas t.v. stuff.  It's all pretty much fluff but it's nice to not think.  Sitting in the semi dark with a bowl of spaghetti and mindless television is oddly peaceful.

I guess I should comment on the dinner from earlier.  My stomach was pretty much in knots the whole drive there. Remember that whole thing about half my family not speaking to each other?  I'm part of the non speakers.  I haven't seen most of them since last Christmas.  We've even unfriended each other on Facebook so it's pretty serious (Yes I realize how silly that sounded). I know I need to let go of some stuff but I kinda feel like I have so much drama of my own that I can't take on anyone else's.  Family or not. Living 45 minutes away lends itself to allowing myself to do that. So I have removed myself from it. I don't interact.  Yeah I have issues.  Probably more than People magazine.  I'm working on it though, got the self help books sitting on the kitchen table to prove it. I just need to find the time to read them.

That's my New Years thing I think.  To get my issues worked out.  I think getting my head on right will remedy a lot of things....possibly even losing a little weight.  Stress packs it on.....that and eating spaghetti after midnight!

Well I think I heard the dryer stop. Gotta get everything out before they wrinkle.  No time for ironing in the morning if I want to have coffee...and I'm going to need coffee!
_____________________
Morning, from me and my coffee.  6 a.m came fast from 1:45 a.m.  Gotta get the girls up and ready to go.  We're actually having pajama day at work to celebrate "I Can't Adult Day." We made this holiday up of course but I don't care.  I'll take it. I can't think right now,  much less adult.  So I will embrace pajamas and dream of crawling back in bed. One more day after today.  Then off Sunday.  The girls are supposed to go to my Mom's tomorrow night so we'll probably get presents wrapped.  I know you're thinking, "exciting night."  But it's the first Dennis and I have had to ourselves since the end of October and as of now we have nothing we have to do so an entire evening free to just be together,  even to just watch big people t.v. and wrap presents sounds pretty great to us.

We'll like I said I need to get the girls up.  Don't want to rush again. TGIF

Test of My Ability To Function

Today was simply not the day to blog.  Overslept but still got the girls to school on time.  Then had to make a mad dash to get a piece of furniture for work that was being given to us kindly from another library only to find that it simply won't fit in the space we have....Then mad dash to get back to work.  So I apologize for the lack of words to day, hopefully tomorrow will bring a leisurely morning of coffee drinking and pecking away on the phone.  Happy Thursday!

Shake, Shake

Tired this morning so a short post today.  Tori is still feeling bad from her virus that presents itself as almost flu like with a sore throat and Gabs is still itchy, either from a run in with the evil fabric softener they are both allergic to or just dry skin.  Dennis and I are just slightly work worn out from running to get everything done between work, Christmas,  getting Tori to my Mom's house yesterday,  then get both girls wrangled to bed because neither feels good and they aren't very cooperative because of it.

We have one family Christmas dinner this week.  Three kids Christmas parties. One work party. Cookies and desserts to be baked for those four and another function.  Work Saturday for me then next week another work dinner and then finally Christmas.  Still lots of presents to wrap,  some to pick up for my Daddy for Momma. And then it'll be Christmas in a blink.

I'm looking forward to our little Christmas here at our house most of all I think.  We started doing Christmas Eve Eve with just Dennis and I and the girls a couple of years ago and I love it.  We eat something like take out Mexican food,  sausage balls, dip and chips and cookies,  watch a Christmas movie and we exchange gifts between each other.  We draw names between the four of us.  The girls love shopping for someone.  It's not fancy, we stay in, sit around in pajamas and just "be". It's great. 

The girls also get to open a gift from under the tree that's from Dennis and I.   Gabs spent last night looking at the presents she has under the tree, shaking them and debating which present she'll pick to open first. I snapped a picture of her when she didn't know I was looking.  It's a little blurry but still great in my opinion. 

I have to get the girls up and ready for school so I need to wrap up here. I'll leave you with Gabby and her shaking process.  Happy Wednesday!  One week till Christmas Eve Eve!

All The Small Things

All the small things make me happy and I suppose sometimes they also make me sad. I guess I don't realize until those quiet moments how much of a difference they make.

We got our Christmas lights up yesterday, the outdoor lights I mean. We seem to be keeping with the theme of both color and clear. I usually want the clear but I think Dennis has convinced me that colored lights can be classy too. Especially the big bulbs. The set I got is the LED kind which normally I can't stand,  definitely can't if they are the clear version.  I think the light from those is just harsh and almost cold. I suppose it's ingrained in me from childhood.  I grew up in the warm yellow glow of the old fashioned energy sucking bulbs so I associate that with Christmas.  I guess my kids will feel the same about the new energy efficient kind.

It's  funny how much a difference that something small like lighting can make on my mood and Christmas spirit.  Have you heard the song,  "Where Are You Christmas"? That's kind of how I've felt of late.  Despite all the fun we've had regarding the tree, the fact that I have presents bought and some wrapped and that I'm doing many of the things we always do at Christmas, I have still felt something wasn't quite there.

My Christmas from my childhood hasn't been quite right for a long time now. As a kid Christmas consisted of all of my cousins spending the night at my aunts house making cookies,  drinking cocoa,  watching Christmas movies and listening to music and laughing at each other as everyone sang.   A few weeks after that would be Christmas Eve. We'd go that night to my Great Grandmother "Nannie's" house to have supper with all of the extended family.  Great Aunts and Uncles, their kids, my Dad's cousins and their children,  even more cousins. When I was a kid the second and third cousins we're more like first cousins.  I saw them at all the holidays and lots of cookouts and reunions between. 

I remember Nannie's house still smelling sweet from the cream pulled taffy she made every year and the pies she'd have cooling on the deep freeze lid in her side covered porch.  People ate in shifts, men and kids first, the men at the table in the kitchen and the kids at card tables in the living room.  It didn't dawn on me till I was older how sexist the set up was. After dinner the house would be hot while we waited for the mom's and aunts, great aunts to eat then clean up. Men and kids would drift in and out through the back door where they'd go to cool off in the December cold and/or smoke depending on the age of the person.  Every year my uncle's and cousins who felt like uncles would look up to the dark, sometimes starry sky and tell the kids the news had reported sightings of Santa.

The kitchen was always a little crowded and not just because of people.  Nannie's bed was in her kitchen because my Great Grandfather was ill most of his life. He'd had his first stroke at 35 and back then not as much medically could be done.  So  Big Daddy stayed in their big brass bed in the kitchen so he could be close by Nanny while she cooked and took care of kids.   Every year, for as far back as I could remember, my Daddy,  uncle Eddie and uncle Lawrence,  occasionally when they were older a cousin or two, would shine that bed and also help Nanny pull the creamed taffy from a special hook she had in her kitchen.  All that to prepare for her Christmas Eve dinner.

Christmas day we'd get up at the crack of dawn to open what Santa had brought us next to trees that fluctuated between cedar, once an aluminum foil version,  to eventually an artificial plastic one.  After presents we'd go back up the street to Papaw and Grannies house, Daddy's parents,  for a big breakfast of homemade biscuits, sausage and tenderloin (from hogs that had been slaughtered by Papaw and the other men that fall), gravy and fried potatoes.  Then there'd be fudge, candies and cookies for dessert.  After that presents.   Then we'd leave for my maternal Grandmother's house to eat lunch that I was never hungry for but where I'd still eat fried apples,no matter what, because she made them special for me.  (She made them right up until she grew too old to cook,  every year seeming to add more and more sugar till they were all but candied by the time she could no longer make them.)

It was the same until I was maybe twelve then my Great Grandfather passed away and people started to drift. Second cousins and extended family didn't come as much. Eventually Nanny couldn't do the dinner Christmas Eve so Granny tried to have it at her house and still have breakfast the next morning.  Nanny always seemed so sad when she would walk down there from her house,  two doors up. I think she missed her own Christmas. Pretty soon Christmas Eve dinner went by the wayside and we just did breakfast Christmas Day.

Great Aunts and Uncles,  Grandparents and even Uncles and cousins have passed away. People grew distant,  fights were had that never got resolved.  When Papaw was gone and Granny grew older soon Christmas Day breakfast became a meal with no true set date,  falling here and there in December when it didn't conflict with new family traditions from newly married couples.  Granny is in assisted living now and we'll have a meal for her in their community room but it's not the same.   It's an obligation now with family that doesn't get along and probably never will.

So many little things.  The smell of candy and cigarette smoke.  Cedar trees and crowded rooms.  Stupid jokes and eating dinner at little fold up tables. It was none of it perfect.  The food was too fattening,  half the people too loud and perhaps some even a little crazy.  There were fights and people had to rush here and there. It was excessive and gaudy, it wasn't politically correct,  it was brightly colored, like the big lights I put on our porch railing last night.   It was Christmas.  At least my Christmas.

The lights seemed to bring that back to me.  At least the memories of it. I know there's no going back.  I know perhaps the others who shared that same Christmas did so seeing it in a completely different light than I did. What's gone is gone but I'd still love to have shared it with my girls at least once. 

Dennis is just now going through the  Christmas transition.  I wish I could make it easier for him. You just don't really realize how important the small stuff is to the makeup of family life, you may not even realize things have changed until one day they are just different. 

I know things have to change.  People grow older,  traditions change and are lost. Some of it doesn't have to though I think.  Like those silly lights, that I didn't have time to put up. That I had started thinking,  maybe they weren't so important and I'd just have to take them down in a few weeks anyhow.  But I also still didn't have Christmas.  I couldn't find it. Not until their gaudy colored glow illuminated the way.

Sometimes we have to make time.  Sometimes we have to make exceptions for people who drive us insane and are not at all PC. Sometimes we need to eat too much fat, be too loud, make bad jokes and talk too much.  We need to rush and cram excess into a day. We need all those small things to add up to the bigger picture.  Because every tiny brush stroke adds up to make a masterpiece. Without them things might be clean and neat but it won't be much to look at or back on.

I don't know what I'm saying really.  I guess I'm just affirming for myself that letting stuff fall by the wayside won't do.  Even if it's changed we need to cling to some old time consuming ones or at least fill in with new traditions. Even if I'll never stand on a cold back porch looking for Santa's sleigh at the direction of my uncle's maybe I can sit on a front porch swing, by the glow of freshly hung lights, singing Christmas songs and laughing with my husband and daughters. I can make new small things.  And I can make sure I make time for them no matter how silly they may seem at the time. Because one day my own girls will be remembering the new traditions as old ones.

Can't Sleep Blues

Sitting on the couch at 12:37 a.m. just me and my phone,  debating on whether or not to risk turning on the tv. Fear of waking the girls up is making me think better of it. I think I may be here tonight because of their recent poor sleeping habits.  That and sinus headaches.

I was up late or rather early I guess,  yesterday as well.  My busting headache took forever to calm down then when it did and I had just drifted off to sleep Gabs had a nightmare and came to sleep with us. I have to say that seven year olds can cover a large area of mattress despite their small size. I hugged the corner of the bed until 5 a.m. when I decided get on the couch only to find it was already occupied by Dennis who'd also been rooted out. So back to bed I went for my last 45 minutes of sleep where I managed to shift Gabs over a bit.
Comically when Gabby woke up she made the comment that our bed was a tight squeeze but that she'd slept comfy. Umm....Dennis and I not so much.

So tonight I was pretty tired.  Went to bed by 10:45 only to wake back up at 11:30. I've roamed the house,  took a bath, adjusted the thermostat and watched the planes fly by through the night sky on the path they take behind the house. I'm still incredibly tired but my brain won't give up for the night.

I hate when you have several out of wack nights and then when you finally can sleep you just can't.  Ugh. To make matters worse our fire detectors, which are wired in, have been giving off this periodic low beep at random times.  We know nothing is wrong but despite all efforts,  even turning off the breaker to them and taking out the back up batteries they keep on going.  The next step is to replace them but this week has been crazy and there just hasn't been time. Dennis plans to work on it this weekend but until then it's, NIGHT OF THE LIVING SMOKE DETECTORS! 

I'm writing in the hopes that I can empty my brain of all the insanity that swirls inside and leaves me worrying and wondering about odd things like,  can lady bugs see in the dark?  Because I just saw one crawling cross the kitchen table a few minutes ago.  I mean seriously,  I don't see one all day then suddenly there she is making her way cross the table.  All the lights are out.  Only seems reasonable that they can see in the dark. Also why are they called lady bugs?  Are there no males? If so where do they come from?  Probably the same place phantom smoke detector beeps do.

I think perhaps my brain is starting to slow down finally.  I am catching myself having to back space a lot.  Maybe I can try  to crawl back in bed.  Let's see.  Wish me luck.  Hope I don't step on any lady bugs.

Crimson (past poems and story starters)

Crimson

I love the crimson colors
the shades so passion tinged
not all in red
but others still

who find a voice in the
deep felt emotion
of one in love
in pain
in joy
in anguish
in...life
I try to paint those tones
the dulcimer twang
of heart strings plucked
but my pallet
becomes comic
cartoon
for I think perhaps
I truly see
through a veil of childhood
my heart coated
by some sweet
memory
of a life that I think should have been
even if it never was
and as I grow older
I've begun to apologize less
and less
for that hope
I harbor
for I care not
if you decide that my
picture book views
disregard the possibility
that darkness is lying underneath it all
for even my darkness
at it's lowest point
can only steep to a deep
dark navy
a velvet blue that I relish
as I roll and languish in that dispair
that bottom point
that flat smack of a place
is almost always
followed by some happy note
and a rush of sweet pain
that lets me know I'm still alive

Lullabye of the day (poem revisited)

I think we're all of us looking for a bit of peace.  Be it watching a sunset or grand babies,  sitting with our coffee and a glowing screen,  listening to chickens cluck and roosters crow or the hum of city life outside your window.  The world goes fast and we take our happy where we can find it. I think I write for that above all else. Looking for peace,  a center, to relish the moments before they pass me on by. Here's a poem from another day when I was realizing just that.

Lullabye of the day

The in between, the middle ground, that shade of perfect gray. A sky that's low,with heavy clouds, to cover a December day. It's in this space, the waning time, a sun that's already in bed, that I find me, the one I lose, within the depths of my own head.

It's there dear friend,
my brush in hand or
words wash cross my mind
perhaps pen and ink
to write on my heart
or peel back a page of time.

Things like crumpled paper towels,
crayons on the floor,
shadows and light,
tilt of a head
can help me re-open the door.

Round and round
the ties I've bound
to keep myself from stray
so afraid to loose that bow
that makes the
perfect
way.

For I'm not perfect,
nor want to be,
forgetting false cares of the world
I remember the real
I am
in a strand of hair I've twirled.

The tippy toeing
of a childs heart
my worries in her face
that anquish there
at such an age
should never have found a place.

My words which rhyme
in sing song tongue
to rock us all to sleep
the day is done
yet voices call
and find the love
I need to reap.

Black Velvet

Black Velvet

Daylights savings time left months back
to give the relief of longer hours. 
The afternoon starts to settle down a bit
after it's fast, hard frantic run,
left him breathless.
Asthma kickin' in just a bit as a little
breeze of the evening
lined with peeper sounds
hurried him home on his bike.
Shorts riding up on the banana seat,
coasting down that hill at the end of Spalding,
letting the wind lift him up,
take him home.
No air conditioning yet
so as the bike slows,
the gravel scratching under the tires
sliding just a bit for the effect,
he smiles to himself and slips off his sweaty sneakers worn with no socks.
Carrying them as he heads through cool soft grass
that somehow keeps it's chilled pleasure
even after the beatin' the sun gave it.
Up creaky front steps,
grabbing an iron curly cued railing
gritty with rust.
Even though Momma only painted it last summer.
Into the house with shushing sounds,
over mingled brown nylon carpet.
Nobody home.
An air of happiness to lead him to the refrigerator,
glass bottles of pepsi.
He pulls one from the paper carton
spinning round to sidestep a kitchen table
he never seems to sit at.
Heading back over whispering floors,
bypassing the tv,
back out the front door,
sweat starting to trickle down his back
between shoulder blades
and on the cold bottle that he strokes,
runs along his forehead.
Barefoot still.
He sighs when he sees the sun is starting to drop
enough to leave the sidewalk in shade.
He drops to the bottom of the step
happy to find that the sun has been long enough away from there that the shadows have left it cool.
Gritty concrete, bits of gravel,
cling to the back of his legs.
Aggrivate him just a bit
and he drops his shoulders to take in the pleasure of this chill,
all the while feeling the sun still creeping it's fingers through his hair.
He takes a swig, open mouth round the bottle,
letting that acidic bubbled sweetness burn his thoat
and ease out the ride.

You Might (Poem from a time past)

You Might

You might find me there at the kitchen sink,

nearing seven p.m.,

with the water gone tepid,

bubble warranty on the Dawn spent.

My head is in the clouds,

hands lost in a sauce pan.

More often than not my thoughts do stray

to the hillside out the window,

to a few days from long ago.

Memories taking me to the point now that I don't 

mind so much doing the dishes.

You might also notice that many days my gaze

still follows you.

Your trek up and down the rows of potatoes,

pumpkin expeditions,

tiller dilemas,

drawn back in only by the occasional

"Momma what's this word."

Then I return,

reheating the water,

with a smile towards the sunshine streaming in

along with past pictures painted in my head

and the ones I'm only just beginning to create. 

heart songs, a memory perhaps, a story maybe

air catches in her throat
as she steps down 
off the back porch step
to survey the grassy area
beyond the porch she never seems 
to have time to sit on
her nostrils fill with 
the hope of spring
the step creaks
today
but long ago
maybe not so long ago,
the wood held strong
from the nails pounded into by her father
her memories can see electric lights
strung so high
between trees that were once there
a magnolia
that let blooms fall down
with edges just faded yellow brown
like old pages
left to tell a story
that she'd almost long forgotten

at the back of the yard the gap in the fence
still there but the grass grown up
no one had ran back and forth between
for so long

on the air still hangs the word of the song
that she keeps playing again
and again
it's melody
caught in that space
near her heart
as she can almost just
humm the words
and just one
breath away from spilling past her lips

she can recall it all
back when things were simpler
when her shoes were buckled
by her mother
and daddy swung her round in the air
when a boy had sang that song with her
and sat cross legged with her under the tree
when she was simply
sister to her sister
not surrogate daughter
when she was just
Becky

the person who made herself forgot
this lifetime lost
this childhood love that never
came to fruition
who
walked through a life
but never truly lived it
and faced one another
never truly came to know
the heart songs
that the boy from the tree days had been singing...........

Chapter One: Becky Begins

The world only extended as far as the walls, to the curtains but not beyond. The panes of glass kept clean but not looked out of. There was more, they visited and on occasion vacationed but the world as they knew if truly began and ended here. It wasn’t until they moved her sister to a home that things gradually started to change for her.

A crystal shoe, with tiny rose buds sculpted at the toe. Caleb had given it to her right after the funeral. She’d always loved shoes. Shoes seemed to her like mini works of art that one could not only get something practical out of, for everyone needs shoes right? But they could be beautiful in their own right. Even when your jeans didn’t fit, shoes normally would. They weren’t flashy like jewelry either. They didn’t hold a place in anyone’s normal line of vision so they could go by subtly and just be perfect in a small secret way. The shoe figurine was supposed to be Cinderella’s shoe, or she had thought she remembered that the gift box had something like that on it. That was so long ago. Thirty two years ago, back when that boy, Caleb, was still here to be her best friend but he'd moved on to brighter shinier things, back when she couldn't see past the box of her life and something that at the time she thought was important.

She’d been living with Sue since, well since always. When Momma and Daddy died it had only been natural that they’d stay in the house together. Sue had been twenty two and Becky had been sixteen. Sixteen in 1967. Not sure why he'd thought a shoe would make her feel better about her parents dieing. He was younger than her after all, by two years, still enough boy to believe that a fairytale could fix it all maybe.

Becky had never thought that Alzheimer’s would leave her ultimately alone. That at fifty four her sister would slip into her own fantasy existence where she rarely even knew her? Now here she was really alone, sitting upon the same bed she’d slept upon as a child. The house paid for, her job stable, yet alone, staring at a crystal shoe that did somehow give her comfort. The shoe had sat upon her dresser top for a lifetime and now in her hands she couldn’t help but wonder how the light might play upon it if she simply sat it in the window? Sue had always been worried about peeping Toms and perverts. “Besides, we need to keep the curtains drawn to keep the heating and cooling bills down,” she’d always say when Becky talked about how dark it was in the house.

Today, on her bed, with this shoe, heating bills no longer seemed like a good enough excuse to live inside the dark. So with her sister only just settled in a comfortable room Becky crossed the floor, drew back the curtains and sat it in her window sill, right up front for all the world to see, peeping Toms and perverts, the like and what she found was not a chill, but a rainbow scattered throughout the room to adorn her before plain walls. A rainbow that perhaps he had known about when he first gave it to her but that she'd never allowed herself to realize until she was too late to go chasing them.

Chapter Two: Sue

Sue had always been so frugal. It was understandable really. Back then and even now she supposed it was hard for two single girls to make it alone. Sue had done her best really. The life insurance had covered caskets and the morgage but little was left after taxes and such and there simply wasn't much to spare. Still though even in the late sixites she'd managed to finish up her schooling, driving herself back and forth to the college in Springfield during a time that transient students weren't in existence yet. She got her teaching degree, a job at the high school and made sure Becky was at school on time and had clean clothes to wear even if they were a little out of style.

Maybe it was that penny pinching that left her somewhat reserved, so quiet, so seemingly unaffected by the world outside their four walls. She'd never had more than a date or two in all the years between Becky's sixteen to now fourty eight, instead she preferred to stay home, her only break from that were the one to two times a week she had dinner with Colleen from the library, her best friend and the only person she'd ever seen Becky laugh with until tears ran down her face. Colleen who seemed to be as lost or more so than Becky over the loss of Sue...for that's what it is really, a loss, this slipping in and out of existence only just recalling her name every now and again. Death might have been easier.

To be continued. ..

Copyright Amy Morgeson February 28,2010

Missing...

I am running late but still my brain and heart are running slow. They're both somewhere behind me,  around 30 years to be exact.  As I fixed my toast, with the smell of the coffee just starting to fill up the cold morning air, and the Christmas music I had playing to wake the girls up and to try and pick up my own step surrounding me I was hit by an odd sadness.  I missed my Papaw.

My Papaw ate two breakfasts most of his adult life.  Cereal and coffee with my Granny, then toast and more coffee with my great grandmother who lived two doors up from them. I got to go with him on this breakfast journey a few times.  The smell of toast and coffee will forever take me back there.

My Papaw loved food,  loud music, kids and Christmas. I have a story about him but alas time is short this morning.  I'll have to revisit this later. Good morning all. Wishing I could just stay and write today.

Santa Calling?

Awoke this morning at the urging of Dennis and to the backdrop of some really weird music. "Do you hear that?, " Dennis whispered. I did but was at a loss for where it was coming from.  We both tiptoed down the hall to see my phone,  plugged in and glowing and ringing with some strange carousel meets Christmas music box sound. "Is Santa calling?," Dennis asks. Then it hits me, a week ago today I had set an alarm on my phone for 6 Monday that had never went off. Somehow I managed to set it for exactly one week later. Whew! Go figure.  Rather a surreal way to wake up though.

Such an odd tinkling, bell type, almost jingle bell like song. It really was rather disturbing.  To make it stranger it suddenly hit me...Elf On the Shelf!  I forgot all about her last night!  Could it be..? No...

"He sees you when you're sleeping,  he knows when you're awake..." Okay.  Yeah.  In retrospect that isn't creepy at all is it? Well.  Okay,  I'm awake now.  I'll be making sure that I figure something for that elf. I'll be good...for goodness sake!

Saturday Sights, Sunday Slow Down

It's the first morning I've been able to sit for any length of time in without needing to get up and going before I'm late. So I'm sitting in the slightly dark living room and pecking away on my phone as I listen to the morning sounds of the house and from outside.

The heat is humming,  going full force to combat the cold that has finally came.  I can still hear a few starlings outside chirping that they never expected this weather was coming.  The guy who raises cows from down and across the road must be out working.  I can hear the barks of his cattle hand side kick.

No deep thoughts to fill my head today.  It's nice.  Don't feel much like thinking.  I just want to sit and let the quiet wrap round me like guaze, to muffle and mute the worries of the world.  To bind up the gears of that big wheel that keeps the world a spinnin' even when we keep hollering that we want to get off.

It's Sunday, slow down day. It's that between morning time when everything has stilled a bit and we have awoken with a slight amnesia of all that has and may go wrong.  Our heads are still embracing the notion that it's okay not to worry for a bit, that for a moment in this bubble we've chosen to ignore the news and cries from all corners.  We can step outside ourselves and still be connected without feeling selfish in our need for autonomy.  That us taking one quiet calm thought won't have it all crashing down around us.

For these few minutes at least I choose to believe my best is enough.  My good intentions do count despite the fumbling I do to get where I'm going.  That everything is going to turn out okay and having faith will get me through.

Good morning.  I hope your day is calm and happy.  I'll leave you with a few of my Saturday Sights that might help lead you to your own calm conclusions.

"Fale Ge" Or A Major Award

So you know how Dennis has a favorite Christmas movie?  Well so do I, "A Christmas Story. 

Don't get me wrong, I like National Lampoons too, it's just I love Ralphy and his pink bunny suit. There's an underlying tackiness to the whole thing that makes me happy on a strange level. I identify somehow. 

If it wouldn't scar them emotionally for life I'd dress both our girls up, maybe even Dennis and I too, in pink bunny suits and take a family Christmas card photo. No doubt we'd end up on that Awkward Family Photo site though and that stuff follows you for life. I wouldn't be a good mom if I stunted my children's emotional stability with embarrassment like that. Now if perhaps I just took a home photo that I framed for our own viewing enjoyment.  That I brought out and proudly displayed,  say when they start dating?  Well now that,  that's a learning experience,  character building even...don'tcha think?

Where would someone find pink bunny suits for the whole family?  I'm sure it's feasible on the Internet,  let's see...yup sure enough.  Amazon can cover your whole family's bunny suit needs! Of course I guess buying pink bunny suits for the whole family isn't that realistic.  It's doubtful I could get Dennis in one anyhow.  Oh well.

So what's a girl to do when she can't fulfill her dream of group bunny suit photos?  Well get a leg lamp of course!  Remember how I said that the outdoor Christmas decorations were slow going?  I did get something up finally.  No, not an actual leg lamp,  haven't found a real one that I'm willing to spring for just yet.  I did, however,  find a pretty cool and equally tacky window cling that I proudly displayed in our front living room window!

Yes, I have a "major award" in my front window  and I love it even if it's not really "fragiiiiiile". Or as Gabby spells it, "fale ge". Comically neither of my children have seen this film. Gabs just likes the word and leg so she has been drawing us some great pictures of it. Of course I will be having a family movie night with it and them soon. 

So happy weekend everyone. In case you get bored and feel like seeing a major award you should ride past the Covert Chicken Farm and rejoice with us in our tackiness!  Just honk the horn and know we'll be cheering FRAGIIIIIIILE! As you go by.

No Place Like Home

This mornings blog entry was just a slapdash blip.  My meeting had me leaving early and gone through the day.  I only just checked social media and this is a memory from four years ago.  Amazing how much has changed and stayed the same.  Like the fact that home and being with Dennis and the girls is still my favorite place / thing in life.  There really is no place like home!

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=861189717335614&id=185471431574116

Mad Dash Morning

Rushing this morning,  got a meeting an hour away. Got to get the girls up and ready so I can get on the road. Just wanted to say that Dennis Morgeson is a pretty great Daddy.  Tori notified us late yesterday that today is pajama day. Of course all of her pajamas are too small or just won't do. Santa usually brings new ones every year but alas the world was ending beacause she needed them today. So Dennis headed to the store this morning to hunt down PJ's. 

Sorry for the slapdash post but hopefully I will back on schedule tomorrow. It's Friday!  Granted I work tomorrow but I still love that it's Friday. So because of that I'll leave you with a song to celebrate!  This is Gabs favorite Christmas song, which I plan to blast the girls out of bed with lol

https:// youtu.be GGDW2jpTl5A

Happy Friday!

On The Second Day of December My True Love Gave To Me...ONE CHICKEN EGG!

The chickens are laying,  the chickens are laying!  Okay well one chicken is laying.  Dennis went out to feed Wednesday morning and low and behold one small cream colored egg. Yes one egg from over 30 chickens. 

A lot of people have asked about our slacker chickens and their free loading winter ways. A few things are going on with them.  The young chickens are,  well young. They,  with the exception of one hen (the eggs from the younger chickens are smaller and get larger as they age so we know by the size this is from a young one) aren't quite mature enough to lay.  The older chickens and probably even the younger ones are also being affected by the lack of daylight due to winter. The older ones have also recently molted, lost feathers and are growing new ones, which also happens near winter. Basically it's like they're saying,  "its dark and cold and I need to get my hair did so by golly I'm not going to lay any eggs!" Annoying yes, but I can't say I really blame them.

At least one of them is back in the game though!  So for the second day of December my true love gave to me ONE EGG! Now just at least four more and I can make a brown sugar pie!

So I'm going to go on a tangent here, regarding the 12 Days of Christmas song, yes there's a tie in. I was joking that song and this egg Wednesday morning at work and ended up in a discussion about why 12 days of Christmas? So I decided to look it up,  here's what I found:

"The 12 Days of Christmas start on Christmas Day and last until the evening of the 5th January - also known as Twelfth Night. The 12 Days have been celebrated in Europe since before the middle ages and were a time of celebration.

The 12 Days each traditionally celebrate a feast day for a saint and/or have different celebrations."
Source : http://www.whychristmas.com/customs/12daysofchristmas.shtml

I kind of figured that it had something to do with Saints. I didn't realize though that they come after the actual day of Christmas.  We've been going about this celebration thing all wrong.  We're missing out on almost two extra weeks of partying!

So anyways,  today you may or may not have learned about the egg laying habits of chickens and Christmas tradition origins.  You also may have already known this. Either way, happy Thursday!  Here's hoping my true love brings me a few more eggs in preparation for all that extra celebrating we need to do.

Is Stress My Christmas Tradition?

I've been thinking about something lately that seems odd to think, even for me.  I'm beginning to wonder if stress during the holidays isn't actually part of my Christmas traditions.  Let me explain.

You see it hit me mid day Tuesday that it was already December 1st. December.  Every year I tell myself that this is the year that I'm going to have one of "those" Decembers, one of "those" Christmases.  I'm going to get everything done, presents bought and wrapped, decorations up, clean house,  top to bottom and in between.  I'm going to have it all under control before December so I can do all that stuff I never have time to do.  You know...Bear with me, I'm going to go off into a bit of a fantasy here, fuzzy daydream lighting implied...

Cue the background of an amazing sunset and softly playing Christmas music.  Breathy, whistful voice...I'll come home from this amazing day at work to see the Christmas lights glowing on the porch eaves, greeted by fluffy red bows (that never blow away) on each post and a beautiful Holly berry wreath hanging upon the door, that somehow magically gives off a slight glowing warm light that beckons you inside. Up the steps I'll trek with the girls to enter the house where we're hit with the wonderful smells of the dinner I had the forsight to put in a crock pot before work that morning, instead of leaving poor Dennis to cook because he gets home before us.  We'll enjoy dinner, laughing about our day and breeze through homework afterwards without my wondering how the heck I ever passed 5th grade math myself. I'll get the dishes done in no time because the ones from the day before are actually already done and put away instead of in the drainer and I will have used one of those nifty crock pot liners, so no scrubbing.  The counters and floor will gleam, no clutter piled on the island or kitchen table.  Since the table is clear we'll spend the evening baking cookies and decorating them there as we sing Christmas carols.  We'll pack them up to deliver to friends and family on another December day where we have tons of free time. We'll follow that up with a Christmas movie that we didn't argue over to pick.  The kids will get to bed with no dragging feet.  Then Dennis and I will snuggle up on the couch by the glow of the tree to talk about our day. Because of course I will have already gotten the girls clothes and like the four other loads of laundry done and put up.  Plus we all already have perfectly cute holidayish outfits picked out for the next day and yeah breakfast is also already planned and waiting.  And oh yeah I knew in advance that the school was having breakfast for lunch and that the girls won't eat it and needed lunch packed and it's ready too. We'd then fall asleep without a worry and sleep through the night and not wake up to think of every tiny thing I might be forgetting, or to think about how I could be a better wife, mom, daughter, employee,  citizen and human being and how in the sixth grade I should never have been mean to that girl Tina because she wore weird dresses and magenta tights. Yeah all that would happen,  like all December, because I have it all preplanned and under control.

Back to reality, harsh halogen light fills my head.  As I said to begin with,  it's December already.  Once again I did plan it all out.  Like months ago I started buying presents. I even have most all of them wrapped.  But that's all for people outside my home.  Coworkers and extended family are covered.  But while I covered them so that I could focus on my family at home I've gotten so wrapped up in that, that now I'm freaking out that I won't have time to get it together.

And the house thing, I seem to get one room or thing cleaned up but never all of them at once.  I swear to you the laundry and dishes procreate at night.  While we have our tree up and a wreath on the door, no magical glow though, berries yes, but some of those need some touching up and we have no outdoor lights up. The bows?  Probably won't happen,  we're on top of a windy hill and I would have to pick them out of the landscape and bushes all December.

Even with all the pre wrapping I don't have a thing wrapped for the girls or Dennis and pretty much nothing even bought.  That dream of nights talking in front of the tree? I'm going to be wrapping presents every free moment after the girls go to bed. Which won't happen without at least another 40 minutes of feet dragging,  last minute reminders that lunches need packing or trying to find socks that match and fit everyone because Gabs and Tori's feet grow two sizes every other week. Last night actually ran into morning because Tori still felt worse, as all illnesses seems to do after the sun goes down.  Gabs in turn was achey and couldn't or wouldn't go to sleep without her.  Those whistful carols?  I got them but it was me singing Silent Night around 12:30 a.m. so they could finally sleep.

Every year I plan for "that" kind of December.  Every year I get stuff done ahead of time only to put off another thing that I was really wanting to focus on so I have to rush through it.  Every year I do stuff, wrap stuff, bake stuff, up till the last minute. I do the things from the magical December daydream day too only just crammed in between work,  dirty laundry,  dishes, 5th grade math that I still totally don't get.  Every year I am stressed.  It's tradition I think.

I don't really know if life is just life and I/we, like so many other families are just on the big spinning wheel of responsibility that has become the norm or if we've come to "believe" that's the norm so it's like self proclaiming prophecy?   Am I as stressed as I think?  Or has that way of thinking got so normal that life without the stress just doesn't seem right and Christmas without it wouldn't feel right?  The "traditional" way?

I don't know.  I do know that I would love to slow down a bit.  I also know that I'm not spinning at the rate that many others are.

I may not have gauzy warm lighting and a clean house but I do have a warm home,  an amazing husband who will fix supper so we can eat earlier and get to working on homework before too late in the evening.  Two beautiful girls who often want to stay up late but only because they want to spend more time with their parents and who crazily enough think their mom is a good singer. Too much laundry but we've got clothes on our back,  too many dishes but only because we've got food to eat. 

Yes stress in my life is pretty much the norm. Tradition,  even at the holidays.  But I still have a good life,  an amazing family to share it with. Maybe I just need to stop viewing it all as stressful and not up to par with the "idea" of a perfect holiday season.  Maybe I should start seeing it the blessing that it really is.

Oatmeal Baths With Syrup, and Growing Pains

Parenthood doesn't allow for time out.  I sincerely wish it would allow for naps though.  I've never been able to stay up late,  just ask my college roommate Karis. I was in bed by 11 at the latest no matter what. Becoming middle aged and dealing with the odd hours of being a parent hasn't helped that much.  Throw in the fact that it's dark by a little after 5 and I'm ready for bed by 7.

Yesterday's 3 a.m. bed time did not make my 6 a.m. wake up call at all good.  Today doesn't seem to be much better in that department.  I think there ought to be a rule that we get at least a day or two each month between October and March to just hibernate.

Update on Tori,  after resting for the day at home with Dennis,  she was still incredibly tired last night even though she slept till 1 in the afternoon.  Still itchy a bit too. In case you ever wondered about oatmeal baths they really work.  She asked to take one again before bed last night.  Gabs suggested that she should add some syrup to her bath as well so at least it would taste good too.

Gabs herself isn't feeling great either I think.  She's going through a growth spurt of late and has joint pain.  It's funny but I don't remember having many "growing pains" as a kid, at least physical ones...Granted there were those middle school years of mental anguish lol.

Anyhow it's still dark outside and I would love to go back to bed but school and work are waiting.  Time to roll everyone out of bed. Hope everyone has a happy although somewhat dark and rainy day I think.

I'll leave you with this photo of the girls enjoying the large quantities of bubble wrap from the new tree!

"Our Forever Tree" or "THE PERFECT MORGESON FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE "

A bit of an intro:

I actually was cheating a bit and wrote the latter part of this last night with plans to read back over it this morning.  I'm writing this part from the ER with Tori who had a severe allergic reaction to her antibiotic. Just hours after I wrote the other.  She's fine and actually resting well now after an epi shot, steroid and more benadryl.  Just so crazy to me how the world can flip from laughing about a tree to worrying about your child in a matter of minutes.  I guess that makes the rest of this all that more important.  Cherish all the little silly moments, all the moments really, we are blessed to have them.  Sorry to lead in so sadly to such an otherwise funny story.  Felt it important to say that though. _______________________________________

In the beginning of our relationship if you had met me or Dennis you would never suspect that I would end up being the realist of the couple.  I was an art major in the early nineties, during the time of grunge and alternative rock.  I wore combat boots, granny dresses and toyed with the idea of joining Green Peace. I was a bit on the flighty side and Dennis had his two feet planted firmly in reality.  He was no nonsense and had his priorities set. He worked close to 40 hours a week, helped on the family farm and did a full course load in college. He knew he'd go to Saint Catharine College for two years then transfer to U.K. and finish up with a degree in Horticulture and that ultimately he'd be a Horticulture Agent for U.K.'s Cooperative Extension service. He didn't have time to stray from the plan and logic always ruled.

I worked as well and also had a full course load but I changed my mind weekly on where I'd transfer to after S.C.C. starting with San Francisco,  then to Colorado where I planned to live in a cabin in the mountains as a full time artist,  then Savannah, Georgia and finally realizing I didn't want to be so far from him I transferred to U.K. right along side Dennis. And ended up majoring in English.

Fast forward twenty years and Dennis, the man with the plan, is just where he planned to be, working for U.K. as a Horticulture Cooperative Extension Agent.  Me, the artist turned English major,  I'm a librarian.  But while he is where he planned to be I'm much more focused now and he's probably one of the biggest kids at heart that you'll ever meet.  These days he's the one with "big" ideas and I'm the one interjecting with all the "what ifs" and "how will we" questions.  That fact is probably no more evident than it is at Christmas time.

We've wanted,  not necessarily needed, a new Christmas tree for a few years now.  Every Christmas we go back and forth.  Dennis wanted a real tree and I didn't want to waste money on something that will dry up fast and leave me sweeping up needles every day of the holidays.  Not to mention it seems wrong to kill a tree. Dennis reasoned we could wait till closer to Christmas and get one we could plant but again if we're buying it I want to enjoy it for more than a week. 

Then there's our long time debate over clear versus colored lights.  I want clear because they seem a little more classic and he wants colored...that flash and twinkle as the tree spins. Yeah.  We've definitely switched roles!

This year as Thanksgiving Day came and went we went back to our tree discussion and finally decided we were going to bite the bullet and upgrade our tiny Wally World special to a bit more grown up version.  So this Saturday we set out to Wally World once again where after over an hour of looking and comparing,  calling other Wally Worlds to see if they had models we liked, discussing, trying lights,  watching trees twinkle and spin, we finally left with...nothing. We also left hangry,  yes it's a real thing,  and grumpy and Dennis left with a new mission in life.  To find "THE PERFECT MORGESON FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE".  It was not exactly a peaceful nor silent night. 

Now while Dennis has taken on the more whimsical role in our relationship he still gets pretty goal orientated about things and if he gets interested in something, like chickens,  or bees, or the mission to find "THE PERFECT MORGESON FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE" he will not rest until he has researched completely the topic at hand and has gotten exactly what he wants. Saturday night, flashing light,  twirling tree loving Dennis got online and Googled and compared and contrasted all his options local and far until he knew what he would do.

So come Sunday morning after church we piled in the van and headed to Campbellsville and Lowes.  Once there we were accosted by Christmas lights, inflatables and yes TREES. 

Now perhaps I should interject here that Dennis has a favorite Christmas movie, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.  I think maybe that should have clued me in that while focused and logical in his youth there was an underlying part of his personality that strayed to the fantastical and perhaps not exactly realistic.  Which brings me to the scene at Lowes.

Remember that moment in the National Lampoons movie where Clark has brought his family far into the woods where, choirs of angels singing and spotlights focused,  he spies "THE PERFECT GRISWOLD FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE"? Yeah,  I liken that moment in Lowes to that one.

For while we circled the trees comparing sizes and prices of floor models to Internet research on our phones a moment came where I swear to you I'm almost certain my husband heard, within his mind, Martina McBride singing "Oh Holy Night. " For low and behold there it was.  "THE PERFECT MORGESON FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE."

It stood 7 and 1/2 feet tall and not only did it have realistic branches, and was of course pre lit, you also had the option of not only white lights but color too and the factor to beat all others...the ability to have the tree switch between the two color options on its own.  Green,  red and blue back to classic white in an ongoing fluctuation of Christmas tree magic that all the world would envy.  It was also about three times the cost of the Wally World special we had at home. Thus came the interjections of my cold blanket realism to debate the logic of making such a purchase. 

So the dance began again.  The sway back and forth between the necessity of childhood fantasies being fulfilled and the desire to remain within budget despite the fact that I knew my husband had already found his tree. Once again we left empty handed and set out to be realistic and compare the options at the Campbellsville Wally World where of course no other trees could compare. Where we passed by another couple comparing decorations and overheard the wife ask the husband, "Which do you like?" And then upon the husband pointing and answering that he, like my own husband, preferred the bright colors, she replied, "ummmm no." Where we would also leave empty handed and make a pit stop for flame broiled burgers and fries to keep "hangriness" at bay for fear our mission would be lost again.

Then back we went to Lowes where the real battle of wits was about to unfold. 

I saw a tree that was the realists option.  Pre lit,  6 feet, white lights,  life like greenery and about 70 bucks cheaper.  But not "THE PERFECT MORGESON FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE". As we circled again coming to stop before the "one true tree" Dennis began his Patton like Christmas tree speech. 

"The way I see it," he began,  "this is our forever tree. This is an investment.  Yes it's more expensive but it's a tree that should last us a lifetime.  We shouldn't have to buy another one after this. And yes I love the light options but honestly,  this is the tree the girls really want."  The girls, of course, gave their Daddy full support with their patented, we are just cute, innocent little girls, with dreams of Christmas joy, wide eyed looks. "Look at them," he concluded, " they really want it."

And so that is how it came to be that we bought "our forever tree" "THE PERFECT MORGESON FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE".   My long timed pushed down flighty artistic side broke free to join Dennis on the side of non realism and we loaded it, precariously, into the buggy,  wheeled it up front to pay for it and rolled it outside where we stood to contemplate the fact that perhaps the choice to bring the van to cart a 7 and 1/2 foot tree home may not have been the best decision.

So once again we created a scene from National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and while we didn't strap it to the roof we were most definitely creative in our placement of it inside the van. We drove home with the sense of holiday joy in our hearts singing Christmas songs,  like our favorite "Walking 'round In Womens Underwear" where Dennis finally learned, after years of miss sung lyrics,  that they didn't build a snowman to call him, "parse and brown". Once home we rejoiced in the fact that our tree came packed in large quantities of bubble wrap and stood back in wonder as all 7 and 1/2 feet were placed under our 8  foot tall ceilings. 

Yes.  It truly is our "Forever and PERFECT MORGESON FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE. " It's also proof that heartfelt flights of fancy will no doubt always win out over my newfound sense of logic and responsibility. And I have to admit it really is pretty "PERFECT" to see my husband and children gaze happily at the tree with the angel whose head grazes the ceiling and hear Dennis proclaim, "it really is a pretty tree!" as we watch the lights flash from classic white to tack....err whimsical colors.

Not Ready to Rise

My head is stuffy
my bones seem to ache.
The first words of morning
I'm not ready to take.
The sun, it too,
has hidden away.
We aren't ready to rise,
no not today.
The rooster is crowing,
only he is awake.
The hens and I all
just need a break.
It's Sunday they call,
we're not ready to scratch,
back to the roost bar for us,
we've nothing to hatch.
There's laundry to be done
but it's wet outside.
The clothes line must stay empty,
I have an excuse to hide.
My bed is still warm,
my family's asleep,
I can go there myself,
if down the hall I shall creep.
Quiet, so quiet,
the steps I must take,
I'm just not ready to rise,
for goodness sake.

Leftovers and Life Plans

I'm obviously a self proclaimed foodie. I like to cook.  I like to eat.  I'm a chubby girl from way back and will no doubt continue being one for all my days because of those two things.

My Thanksgiving traditions center a lot on food.  It's a time to get together with family yes but we are most definitely going to be eating when we get there.

Food "culture" and traditions fascinate me. Food is a huge part of the reason for why we do what we do and a driving force behind how history was shaped.  Geesh,  just think of all that came to be because we wanted a little extra spice for our food!

I actually had two folklore courses in college at U.K. under the great professor Dr. Alvey. The study of food was one my favorite parts of the classes.  For the first class my semester project was even centered on stack pies and I turned in a stack pie with my paper...got an A I'm happy to say.  In retrospect I can see that perhaps my degree and career path should have taken the culinary fork in the road but in all truth I truly didn't know how deeply passionate I would become about food.  That was at the dawn of the foodie phenomenon anyhow.

So while I am not chef or master Baker I am a home cook. I will always be baking and making something in the kitchen.  It's as much a part of me as my love for writing, art and the other things that make up me.

I've been thinking about it lately.  Where I'm going,  what I'm doing,  my goal and role in it all. I've decided in a way my life has come to be sort of a big planned family dinner.  I started out with recipes and seating charts. I work to follow the menu that I think I can't stray from but I'm only just realizing that a plan is just an idea or notion that is a good guide but ultimately doesn't have to be the be all end all of who I am. 

Along the way I'll run out of ingredients and when I don't have time to run out for more I'll compromise,  get creative and make do with what I have on hand.  The recipes will change accordingly and rather than cry over not making what I intended to make I can rejoice in the fact that I may just have created some new culinary masterpiece or even better a family favorite. 

When it's all said and done I get to enjoy the best parts. I get to see the happy faces of those I cook for and later I have something almost better than the meal itself...leftovers!   Because leftovers are sort of like the sweet memories from all those meals. When the day is done or perhaps beginning anew I can sit for a moment alone with a slice of pie and coffee for breakfast and ponder all the things that makeup the family dinner we call life.  I think we are where we are and are where we should be because of each and every choice we make.  That said I wouldn't change a thing. 

One different choice and my life would be completely different and I wouldn't have the three people I love most sleeping in the other part of the house right now. I wouldn't be sitting on the edge of the couch pecking away and able to see the vanilla tinged sunrise as it begins it's daily path to wrap its cream colored clouds 'round the house and world.

I still have more Thanksgiving today, in the form of a meal and just a whole lot to be thankful for.  So good morning everyone here's hoping your Thanksgiving was a good one and that you all have leftovers to enjoy as well!

P.S. Here's a picture of Gabs holding her favorite leftovers,  turkey dumplings.  She wouldn't smile for the photo but rather wanted everyone to know that the jar was all hers and she didn't plan to share them...granted I did sneak a few bites myself last night.  Don't tell her though,  she might just get me for it.

"Honestly" Thankful

I wish I had some words of wisdom,  some poetic way to encompass the day and put a spotlight on what makes the day important and special. I don't though.  Each of us finds our own meaning in a celebration.  We have our own customs that make it special to us.  I don't think that you can force people to find enlightenment and a newly refreshed happiness in life merely because a grid of numbers on the wall tells them that today is the designated day for them to focus on and give thanks for what they have.

I have been embracing honesty of late and while I will take pause to recognize all that I have to be grateful for and that I have that many don't I also must put highlight on the fact that this day can bring a lot of stress,  unhappiness and might just be a burden for some.

I think perhaps in the beginning the holidays were set forth with truly the best of intentions.  They were days that people should take pause to be with family and friends to share a meal and enjoy a few hours when we could slow down and not feel the weight of winters more darkened days. I don't in any way think the day resembles what the story of the first Thanksgiving says it was all about.  Even back then there were stressed out people who worried about having enough food to make it through the winter and hope to get them through to spring.  The pilgrims and native Americans in our minds have become stereotypes and almost cartoon like. 

The fact is many will work today.  Many are alone.  Many don't have enough to eat. Many are saddened.  Many have stress.  Many are tired and want to rest but commercialism and expectations from society, necessity, are telling them that they are some how wrong for feeling all that.

I wish we could give each other some slack. Give each other a break.  I wish we'd stop telling one another that you must do this, bake this, buy that in order to be one of "us" during the holidays. We need to start seeing the real people around us. And not just on specific days that have been set aside to do it.

I am not meaning to darken the moment but I feel it's important to say all this.  While for many today is a break from work and time to be with family it's another day of hard work and perhaps heightened sense of being alone for others. 

We all aren't given the day off. And even if we are some see it as a loss to their bank accounts and begrudge having to give their fellow people a chance to break from the mad dash. Many are viewing this day as the day to get ready for the most profitable day of their year. Their employees won't be breaking to be with family they'll instead be working overtime to stock shelves so people can fight for a few dollars difference in a price.

I hope everyone can remember that fact.  Today, yes, be thankful for all you have.  But recognize that others may not have it as well.  Show your gratitude by spreading kindness,  understanding and by not feeding into the stress of the world about you. Make a conscious effort to smile at even strangers and to remember that you never truly know what worries someone may have. Let your Thankfulness be more about the feeling and finding and sharing peace.

That said I wish you all a day of plenty and fulfillment.  I wish for you to find a day of calm in the storm. I wish for you happiness and a sense of contentment, to feel connected even if you are spending the day alone. I am Thankful for all I have and I'm going to be honestly thankful by not taking for granted that many don't have the same.