Finding Myself

I think too much.  I always have.  I worry constantly,  I doubt, second guess,  I beat myself up and I think whether I admit it or not I beat others up, at least mentally, for all of the doubts I super impose onto them. Real or not.

It's a tiresome thing really, to be constantly allowing your worries to rule your world. It gets to the point that you second guess yourself so much that you are left not really sure who the real you is anymore.  Bizarrely enough you can also start to feel guilty for even wanting to allow yourself the freedom to be the real you.

All the real world responsibility that we face each day, paired with the constant worries, can leave a person trapped by the notion that you have to do things,  to live, a certain way.  You can get in this rut of a way of thinking and begin to believe that, that, this false view of the world,  is the only way. You can begin to form these rules for how life has to be lived and trap yourself and those around you by the structure of them.

I'm sorry to sound cryptic and if this seems a little down.  Bizarrely,  on the contrary,  I am not down.  More so finding a little perspective I think this morning.

I can't look to others to make me happy. I have to allow myself the freedom to find my own happiness and not feel guilty for doing it. Of all the roles I play they are each a part of the whole that surrounds the core of the person that I am ultimately left alone with in the middle of the night.  If that part, the center,  isn't allowed to be...well just "be" then the rest of those parts will suffer and weaken.

So basically, I gotta be me. And I've got to allow myself to do it without being gui
lty for it. I also have to give others the same freedom without making them feel trapped by those rules of my own making or guilty either.

So that said I think I need to start finding out who me is at this point in life. Disclaimer: The previous words have been brought to you, I think,  by the fact that I am turning 40 soon Lol. 

Foggy Morning Meditation

Pause

It's the first day in a long while that I've had a moment to myself in the morning to sit and write. The first day I've slept past 6:30 in awhile too.

Spinning wheel,  spinning wheel has us all caught up again in the day to day working of life.  Jobs and school taking over and making it hard to catch a break to actually live in a moment and not worry about the next one.

For right now at least the house is quiet, the rooms are still held inside the weak glow of light from outside and I'm making no attempt to wake anyone with the false light of a bulb. The wind has picked up outside and it feels a little like even God is trying to rock us all into a deep sleep.

I know before long I'll need to make breakfast and that laundry needs doing but for right now at least the world has been halted.  I am left to wonder again, "How much of this rush is of our own making? Why do we ever want to hurry out of this place? " For right now at least I will not move.  I will just stay and be happy with all that I have to give pause to.

Learning New Things

Dennis taught me to thin peach trees today. Here's why and how in his words,  "This year we finally have a good fruit set but if you want peaches larger than a pecan you need to thin them down to 4 to 6 inches between each peach on the stem...If you don't not only will you have very small fruit, with little edible flesh but you risk breaking your tree down due to the weight of the fruit."

Honey Bee Road Trip

Tori wanted to share her 4-H speech and tell how her Daddy came to get his first hive of bees. Just follow the link below.  Happy Sunday!

https://youtu.be/j3OhdcyNQSk