Monday - The Saga Continues

Ugh. Coffee.  Good.
Me sit.
Me drink coffee.
Me speak in one syllable (well except that one) words.

It's Monday and time to climb out of my snow cave. In all truth it's not that bad. I'm sleepy but I actually feel decent.  Kinda rejuvenated. I needed this break I think to get my head back on straight.

Of course I blew any semblance of a diet. Didn't really do anything productive but I don't feel a bit guilty and feel recharged in a lot of ways despite some backsliding.  Snow days can be helpful in that way I think.  All that glowingly blinding snow can help illuminate the path you need to be taking.

So it's Monday and I will survive. 
I may drag my feet a bit because I'm still shaking off the lazies but I'll be all right.

Snow Day Cave

Train of thought.  Writing without form. I've been way from writing for several days now and I fear I'm getting rusty. So I'm typing whatever this morning until I can work the kinks out.

I'm a bit fuzzy,  almost furry brained, from the medicine I took for my sinus headache earlier. The pressure coming through from the storm had my head in a vice. I was in bed early last night then awake again at 2 something till almost four then again at 6 and 7. Needless to say not much sleep.

Gabs let me sleep in until 8:45 then she needed me to watch Shadow Hunters with her, a show about teenagers hunting down evil and fighting for good in the world.  It's based on a book series,  filmed a little like Buffy The Vampire Slayer, right up my ally lol! I'm being serious.

Gabs inherited my love of stories and shows about magical creatures, vampires and witches and the lot. She loves them but can't/won't watch them alone.  So awake I must. We're on episode two and discussing the fact that there's a movie version of this and debating on whether or not we should hunt it down on Netflix so we can watch and compare.

Dennis and Tori are still snoozing,  the snow has set in heavy now.  I may end up back in bed myself if this medicine has anything to say about it.  I don't know if Gabby will let me though.  I brought home two Lord of the Rings movies and she's not seen them.  I have a feeling if I get any more sleep it will be right here on this couch. I suppose there are worse ways to spend a day.

We're safe and warm at home.  Full fridge,  movies to watch,  no ice yet (knock on wood, I think I ought to go with it and get settled in for the weekend. I hope that everyone is doing as well and keep doing as well as the storm blows on.

My headache has waned and I think I'm going to embrace the fact that I'm a bit empty headed. I shall fill up on pointless television and just watching the snow fall outside my window.  There's plenty of time another day to worry about the world's problems and even my own.  Today I shall hibernate in my snow day cave.

Mindless TV

I know it drives Dennis crazy but I truly love mindless TV. Teenage soap operas, overly dramatic vampire movies, you name it, if I don't have to think about it, if the outcome of the movie isn't going to effect the outcome of anything of any substance or matter all the better.

I know I'm not alone in this.  As a librarian I see it every day.  Why do you think harlequin romances are so popular?  Those are all written by a formula.  You know by page X that the main characters will fall in love and although on page Y they'll have some conflict by page Z all is right in the world again and they'll live happily ever after.

It's escapism at its finest.  Much like sports.  Yeah I said that.  While the outcome isn't always the happy ever after, the process is the same.  You watch it to escape,  the ending isn't going to bring about world peace or the downfall of China's government.  For a little while at least you forget your problems and focus on something outside you.

That's a big problem for me.  I get caught up in worrying about stuff and can't let it go.  I also can't let myself understand that sometimes things aren't in my control.  For some reason I think worry will change things. I need the serenity to accept the things I can't change. Easier said than done though.

Here lately I seem to be more consumed by trying to fix things. Things for others,  my kids, me. Especially things that I frankly think ought to be governed by common sense and basic human decency.  People not allowing people to get help when they are truly only trying to survive the situation they're in. To rise above,  get a leg up. 

Then there are the things that happen, that someone you think you know does, that flies in the face of any thoughts of connection.  Things that happen over and over again in the world that you think ought to stop merely because it's been asked to stop.  It gets harder to see the bigger picture when it seems that change can't be made. But alas I keep worrying about it all the same. I suppose that means there's still hope.  Or that I'm dillusional.

I need to believe that deep down people are good and if everyone really knew one another they'd want them all to okay and safe. I gotta believe that eventually people will see the hurt they cause in the blindness of trying to make themselves happy or richer. I don't know why I think worry will change things.  But worry I must.

So I guess until the day comes that I run out of worries poor Dennis is going to have to put up with sparkly vampires and teen angst. I reckon he'll be okay.  He can manage it if I can learn to manage basketball games....shh don't tell anyone I said that, they'll take away my Kentucky card.

Don't Feel Like Shining

Today I'm just tired.  No philosophical words to tap out. Just that.  Tired.

The alarm went off in a song and I didn't feel like singing.  I guess I'm a little grumpy too. Or maybe just stuck in my head.

Gabs woke up with a smile talking about her soft feet...She and Tori both slathered on lotion last night because Tori has a newfound dislike for her feet and Gabs had to follow suit. So Gabs is especially happy with the outcome.  Tori is still in bed as is Dennis. For once I think they have the right idea. I'm hoping Gabs happiness is infectious.  Her only complaint is that it's still too early for her favorite YouTube people to post a video. 

I hear the coffee making its final gurgle.  Yes coffee.  That's the answer.  It's Friday after all. I'm off today actually although it's to clean house and I have to work tomorrow.  I'm off all the same.  I think I need to get that coffee in me. Otherwise risen or not I just don't feel like shining.

The Lottery

So I haven't looked,  don't know who won or didn't.  The lottery I mean.  It's all anyone has talked about for the last week or so.

Be it, "can you imagine what you'd do with that much?" to, "it would ruin your life, " just about everywhere I've been I've heard people talking.  The thing that struck me most was that most everyone wanted to help someone else.

Most everyone I know is somewhere in the middle working hard, has just enough but not enough that they can stop worrying if something were to happen. And most all of us are surrounded by others in the same situation.

What I heard a lot of is not I'd buy a yacht or new house,  granted once the conversation got going there was some daydreaming,  but mostly I heard people wanting to take care of their families,  coworkers and friends.  They wanted to help them pay off their homes and debt,  make sure their parents were safe and able to stay in their homes in their later years.  Most didn't really want to be billionaires they wanted the chance to get out of debt and be able to have a sense of security for themselves and those around them. Most wanted to share and be kind.

Of course some fun was had planning the islands they'd buy, the dream occupations and travel. I think dreaming is one of the biggest reasons people play.  You know you're probably never going to win but for the short moment you get to daydream and play what if. When people are working days on end with just enough to get by they can lose the ability to do that.  People,  sadly,  must do what they have to do to take care of their family and homes and don't get the luxury to think of all the things they would love to do. I guess that's why, with the exception of those that are doing it at the detriment of making sure their kids have food and they can pay their bills,  I don't see a reason why they shouldn't be allowed a few dollars to let them dream.

I have to say it was nice hearing people talk.  You saw at the cores of what they worry about.  You saw hope and a lightheartedness that you don't get to see often.  It was nice.  I wish there was some way to give people that every day.  Everyone win enough to pay off several months of bills so everyone is ahead and able to start saving towards their dream goals. Everyone make a living wage and be able to not worry that sickness or childcare can mean they're one step from failure.  I wish everyone were on an even playing ground.  Everyone able to better them self and get ahead. I wish that there wasn't such a huge gap between the haves and have nots and people could look at those around them more often not as competition but as friends who we each should care about and help. Just imagine.

All that said I don't know the answer.  Other than for people to always try and see the good in others.  Try to see that most all are trying their best just like you are.  I think sometimes the lack of dreams in people is what really gets them down and unable to see that in many ways we have won the lottery.  At least I know I have.  I saw that yesterday as I pulled in the drive  and saw the jackpot of a view I have.  I guess basically it's been nice to see the similarities I'm people that this big shared daydream has brought out.  I hope we can keep a little bit of that dream alive even if not everyone can win.

I Worry

I worry. I worry constantly.
I worry about my children and husband.  I worry about my coworkers.  I worry I don't do enough.  I worry I do too much.  I worry about the government,  the poor,  the hungry,  the elderly,  the abused and neglected.  I worry. I worry constantly.

I have done this since childhood.  I remember being five and my brother was in the hospital with spinal meningitis and I worried that I needed to take him a gift or he wouldn't get better.  In third grade I went on a field trip and spent most of it distraught over the fact that I had five dollars and I needed to bring everyone in my family a souvenir back but wasn't sure how I would manage it.

When I was in college and taking psychology classes I was certain I had myself (and most of my relatives) diagnosed.  I had generalized anxiety disorder,  meaning I worry.  I worry constantly.  I even worry about worrying.

Today I don't think I have that so much anymore.  I do think I'm a lot like a lot of other people I know.  I'm overly perceptive of others. I also have a somewhat obsessive personality and a one track mind.

I'm trying to do better.  I try to realize that the world and all the problems of those around me can't be solved in a day. I'm trying to make myself realize that you can only do what you can do and take it day by day.  I'm on a mission to get my life organized which I hope will help me clear the clutter in my head.

I will always worry though. My job is to learn how to not let it consume all the wonderful things I don't need to worry about.  I should be thankful. 

Waiting for Winter

What a change in tune from last year. We all seem to be waiting for Winter.  All of us wishing secretly for a snow day that would allow us the legitimate reason to be be home and warm,  sleeping late and happy while we watch the world turn white around us.

I won't lie.  I want nothing more than to crawl back in bed,  warm and safe, no worries about the rush of life still running on despite my protests.  The girls are going to be disappointed as well.  Their only solace,  summer will come on schedule,  no need to make up snow days.

But while the wind blows cold outside and the coffee fills the air in here I still can't help but dream of a simpler time when no decisions to make further than,  "what will we watch on TV today?"

Time to wake up though.  Back to the real world,  no time for fantasy. I'm just a poor girl, no one let's me have snow days, easy come,  easy go.....I want to go back to bed though. But they will not let me go,  no will not let me Gooooooo! Wait...This whole scenario sounds familiar....danged Bohemian Rhapsody.  Sigh, time to stop having my pity party. At least I have coffee.  Yes coffee.  You will always be there for me.  Even when I REALLY don't want to adult today.

Good morning.  I'll stop my griping.  Here's to coffee and us all staying safe and warm.