Finding Myself

I think too much.  I always have.  I worry constantly,  I doubt, second guess,  I beat myself up and I think whether I admit it or not I beat others up, at least mentally, for all of the doubts I super impose onto them. Real or not.

It's a tiresome thing really, to be constantly allowing your worries to rule your world. It gets to the point that you second guess yourself so much that you are left not really sure who the real you is anymore.  Bizarrely enough you can also start to feel guilty for even wanting to allow yourself the freedom to be the real you.

All the real world responsibility that we face each day, paired with the constant worries, can leave a person trapped by the notion that you have to do things,  to live, a certain way.  You can get in this rut of a way of thinking and begin to believe that, that, this false view of the world,  is the only way. You can begin to form these rules for how life has to be lived and trap yourself and those around you by the structure of them.

I'm sorry to sound cryptic and if this seems a little down.  Bizarrely,  on the contrary,  I am not down.  More so finding a little perspective I think this morning.

I can't look to others to make me happy. I have to allow myself the freedom to find my own happiness and not feel guilty for doing it. Of all the roles I play they are each a part of the whole that surrounds the core of the person that I am ultimately left alone with in the middle of the night.  If that part, the center,  isn't allowed to be...well just "be" then the rest of those parts will suffer and weaken.

So basically, I gotta be me. And I've got to allow myself to do it without being gui
lty for it. I also have to give others the same freedom without making them feel trapped by those rules of my own making or guilty either.

So that said I think I need to start finding out who me is at this point in life. Disclaimer: The previous words have been brought to you, I think,  by the fact that I am turning 40 soon Lol.