I've been thinking about something lately that seems odd to think, even for me. I'm beginning to wonder if stress during the holidays isn't actually part of my Christmas traditions. Let me explain.
You see it hit me mid day Tuesday that it was already December 1st. December. Every year I tell myself that this is the year that I'm going to have one of "those" Decembers, one of "those" Christmases. I'm going to get everything done, presents bought and wrapped, decorations up, clean house, top to bottom and in between. I'm going to have it all under control before December so I can do all that stuff I never have time to do. You know...Bear with me, I'm going to go off into a bit of a fantasy here, fuzzy daydream lighting implied...
Cue the background of an amazing sunset and softly playing Christmas music. Breathy, whistful voice...I'll come home from this amazing day at work to see the Christmas lights glowing on the porch eaves, greeted by fluffy red bows (that never blow away) on each post and a beautiful Holly berry wreath hanging upon the door, that somehow magically gives off a slight glowing warm light that beckons you inside. Up the steps I'll trek with the girls to enter the house where we're hit with the wonderful smells of the dinner I had the forsight to put in a crock pot before work that morning, instead of leaving poor Dennis to cook because he gets home before us. We'll enjoy dinner, laughing about our day and breeze through homework afterwards without my wondering how the heck I ever passed 5th grade math myself. I'll get the dishes done in no time because the ones from the day before are actually already done and put away instead of in the drainer and I will have used one of those nifty crock pot liners, so no scrubbing. The counters and floor will gleam, no clutter piled on the island or kitchen table. Since the table is clear we'll spend the evening baking cookies and decorating them there as we sing Christmas carols. We'll pack them up to deliver to friends and family on another December day where we have tons of free time. We'll follow that up with a Christmas movie that we didn't argue over to pick. The kids will get to bed with no dragging feet. Then Dennis and I will snuggle up on the couch by the glow of the tree to talk about our day. Because of course I will have already gotten the girls clothes and like the four other loads of laundry done and put up. Plus we all already have perfectly cute holidayish outfits picked out for the next day and yeah breakfast is also already planned and waiting. And oh yeah I knew in advance that the school was having breakfast for lunch and that the girls won't eat it and needed lunch packed and it's ready too. We'd then fall asleep without a worry and sleep through the night and not wake up to think of every tiny thing I might be forgetting, or to think about how I could be a better wife, mom, daughter, employee, citizen and human being and how in the sixth grade I should never have been mean to that girl Tina because she wore weird dresses and magenta tights. Yeah all that would happen, like all December, because I have it all preplanned and under control.
Back to reality, harsh halogen light fills my head. As I said to begin with, it's December already. Once again I did plan it all out. Like months ago I started buying presents. I even have most all of them wrapped. But that's all for people outside my home. Coworkers and extended family are covered. But while I covered them so that I could focus on my family at home I've gotten so wrapped up in that, that now I'm freaking out that I won't have time to get it together.
And the house thing, I seem to get one room or thing cleaned up but never all of them at once. I swear to you the laundry and dishes procreate at night. While we have our tree up and a wreath on the door, no magical glow though, berries yes, but some of those need some touching up and we have no outdoor lights up. The bows? Probably won't happen, we're on top of a windy hill and I would have to pick them out of the landscape and bushes all December.
Even with all the pre wrapping I don't have a thing wrapped for the girls or Dennis and pretty much nothing even bought. That dream of nights talking in front of the tree? I'm going to be wrapping presents every free moment after the girls go to bed. Which won't happen without at least another 40 minutes of feet dragging, last minute reminders that lunches need packing or trying to find socks that match and fit everyone because Gabs and Tori's feet grow two sizes every other week. Last night actually ran into morning because Tori still felt worse, as all illnesses seems to do after the sun goes down. Gabs in turn was achey and couldn't or wouldn't go to sleep without her. Those whistful carols? I got them but it was me singing Silent Night around 12:30 a.m. so they could finally sleep.
Every year I plan for "that" kind of December. Every year I get stuff done ahead of time only to put off another thing that I was really wanting to focus on so I have to rush through it. Every year I do stuff, wrap stuff, bake stuff, up till the last minute. I do the things from the magical December daydream day too only just crammed in between work, dirty laundry, dishes, 5th grade math that I still totally don't get. Every year I am stressed. It's tradition I think.
I don't really know if life is just life and I/we, like so many other families are just on the big spinning wheel of responsibility that has become the norm or if we've come to "believe" that's the norm so it's like self proclaiming prophecy? Am I as stressed as I think? Or has that way of thinking got so normal that life without the stress just doesn't seem right and Christmas without it wouldn't feel right? The "traditional" way?
I don't know. I do know that I would love to slow down a bit. I also know that I'm not spinning at the rate that many others are.
I may not have gauzy warm lighting and a clean house but I do have a warm home, an amazing husband who will fix supper so we can eat earlier and get to working on homework before too late in the evening. Two beautiful girls who often want to stay up late but only because they want to spend more time with their parents and who crazily enough think their mom is a good singer. Too much laundry but we've got clothes on our back, too many dishes but only because we've got food to eat.
Yes stress in my life is pretty much the norm. Tradition, even at the holidays. But I still have a good life, an amazing family to share it with. Maybe I just need to stop viewing it all as stressful and not up to par with the "idea" of a perfect holiday season. Maybe I should start seeing it the blessing that it really is.
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